Just Dreaming….
There are days when I wake, when I rise from the bed and think to myself that “today will be the day”. The frightening part of it all is that I’m not always sure what that’s supposed to be. Inside, where I thought I grew from, where I believed the inspiration for my creativity is born, I am sometimes left with the feeling that I am empty. That perhaps I have become so emotionally wounded and bankrupt that that very same creative reservoir may have finally evaporated and left me alone. All by myself.
This is the month, July, that I am reminded of the death of my son. As much as I want to proclaim that I am healed from that awareness of pain, from the very depths of that emotional torture, I at times, question just how far I have truly grown.
The fact is, I miss what could have been. I miss the potential. I miss his little hands in mine. I miss what should have been. In my heart, I know that there is nothing that I could have done. In my heart, I know that his passing was something beyond my control. In my heart, I know that he’s with God. In my heart, I ache. In my heart, I still shed tears for all of the moments that I squandered. In my heart, in the truth of who I am, I cannot talk to anyone about the very real longing to have those missed moments back.
I know that I can’t go back. Yes, I know this. I do. I really do. But tonight, at this moment, as I struggle with the idea that crying is okay, I am still left with the longing for a son that I can never apologize to for not being the best father that I could have been. Whatever anger I hold, it’s for and to a man that was caught up in his own path. A path that was inconvenienced by the needs of a little person that relied on his father.
So as I write this, with that dry, achy throat that signifies once again my ability to withhold my tears, that reminds me of just how “tough” I am, I am yet reminded of the frailty of life.
Embrace those whom you love. Take them in your arms. Smile today. Take their hand and just touch them. Just feel their gentleness. Relish the love that they so easily give you. Revel in their innocence. Look upon them today, right now and see the childhood as the blessing that it is. God, wrap them in your arms for just thirty seconds and feel them. Let them feel you. Whether mother or father, celebrate the love of life that they possess and share it. Share it with all you are.
Today, if only for a moment, cling to the reality of the love that is their every breath….
Love them today, with everything that gives you life.
Today, we have them and we’re not, just dreaming….
A Page Turned…
There are those times when our dreams appear to fade before our very eyes. As it happens, it may challenge our faith and call into question the very essence of everything that we thought we knew or believed about God, happiness, peace, joy…. Love. At that moment we may be drawn into a sense that “it’s not worth it”, whatever that “it” may be. And as we do our best to somehow intellectually qualify and quantify what is before us, we may find that our hearts and minds do not align. It’s in those moments, man or woman, that our hearts may ache, that our eyes may mist and our heart cry tears that may dampen our will to live.
In those moments, who do we call to? And if anyone should answer, what are they to say? How are we to express the utter pain and despair that may enveloped us? In attempting to bridge the desire for what could have been and the moment of realization of that which appears before us that may call into question of what is truly right and wrong. And what of God? A God so loving that before we come to Him with our tears and anguish, He already knows. That before we have called out His name, His arms of love, mercy and compassion have already been opened wide to embrace us…
And yet, we may not, in our pain, turn to Him. In those moments, perhaps we may even question whether or not He truly even exists and if He does, how then, could such pain find us….
For me, a page turned when my infant son died of SIDS. And today, at this moment, after having cried, screamed, fallen and fainted, I seek to truly know. Not as our parents may have taught us. Not as the evangelists and preachers speak. Not as the theologians and historian would explain. But in a deeper, truly tangible expression of life. To see love made real, made whole in each and every day that I am blessed to be hear….
There are some challenges that you feel you'll never to recover from.