Just Dreaming….
There are days when I wake, when I rise from the bed and think to myself that “today will be the day”. The frightening part of it all is that I’m not always sure what that’s supposed to be. Inside, where I thought I grew from, where I believed the inspiration for my creativity is born, I am sometimes left with the feeling that I am empty. That perhaps I have become so emotionally wounded and bankrupt that that very same creative reservoir may have finally evaporated and left me alone. All by myself.
This is the month, July, that I am reminded of the death of my son. As much as I want to proclaim that I am healed from that awareness of pain, from the very depths of that emotional torture, I at times, question just how far I have truly grown.
The fact is, I miss what could have been. I miss the potential. I miss his little hands in mine. I miss what should have been. In my heart, I know that there is nothing that I could have done. In my heart, I know that his passing was something beyond my control. In my heart, I know that he’s with God. In my heart, I ache. In my heart, I still shed tears for all of the moments that I squandered. In my heart, in the truth of who I am, I cannot talk to anyone about the very real longing to have those missed moments back.
I know that I can’t go back. Yes, I know this. I do. I really do. But tonight, at this moment, as I struggle with the idea that crying is okay, I am still left with the longing for a son that I can never apologize to for not being the best father that I could have been. Whatever anger I hold, it’s for and to a man that was caught up in his own path. A path that was inconvenienced by the needs of a little person that relied on his father.
So as I write this, with that dry, achy throat that signifies once again my ability to withhold my tears, that reminds me of just how “tough” I am, I am yet reminded of the frailty of life.
Embrace those whom you love. Take them in your arms. Smile today. Take their hand and just touch them. Just feel their gentleness. Relish the love that they so easily give you. Revel in their innocence. Look upon them today, right now and see the childhood as the blessing that it is. God, wrap them in your arms for just thirty seconds and feel them. Let them feel you. Whether mother or father, celebrate the love of life that they possess and share it. Share it with all you are.
Today, if only for a moment, cling to the reality of the love that is their every breath….
Love them today, with everything that gives you life.
Today, we have them and we’re not, just dreaming….
An Open Letter To God…
Someday, I would like to meet a woman (not many, not “other”, but one woman, just one and only one) that sees me and just knows that I am the one. She sees me and knows, without question or doubt, that no matter my financial or physical circumstances, that I am still a man that has drive and desires that do not include using her, or treating her as if she owes me something. That in return for her fidelity, I will give myself wholly and completely to first, You God and second, myself (to be a worthy Head Of Household) and at the same time as I recognize my True self in Christ, that I acknowledge that I am her one, her mate and that I submit to her out of loyalty and respect for her stature as my mate. My partner. My rib. My One, as in “one flesh”.
She will be a woman that sees her femininity and her womanhood as a tribute to God and as a means of expressing her desire and willingness to submit to the One man that she is destined and created for. That submission is a gift to to each other, and that it is cherished and adored, respected and kept sacred because that is how it should be. She knows that her husband, her man, is owned by her in all ways and that in her giving, she receives. She knows that he gives himself to and for her because he has nothing to hide. He is man of truth and integrity. That his strength is within their marriage and the blessing of God. She cooks and cleans, or sits and watches him (me) do so because she wants to, not because she has to! When her man falls, she rushes to help him UP, not talks trash and criticizes and reminds him of his faults; he already knows. She knows that when she falls, he will run, walk, jog, crawl, drive, hike, sail, fly, ride a bike to ensure that she is safe; for all she had to do was love him with kindness and tenderness.
God, I want a woman that will laugh with me, not at me. A woman that sees my pain and cares. A woman that sees me cry and thinks, “he is my mate and he hurts, what can I do to ease his pain” instead thinking me a punk or loser. And that when other men flirt and desire her, she can smile easily and with tenderness knowing that her love and mate awaits her at home. Her home. His home. Their home.
In return, she never has to wonder where I am, because I will call without her having to ask. In return, when we are apart, she can call, email whenever she wants and know that I do not place any ANY limits on her acts. She will know that I call out of respect for she and I. She will know that if I am out of town, I get a single room, leave when it’s done and come straight home. She will know that there is no sporting event ever created better than her sitting on my lap and taking possession of her man. She will know that any woman that attempts to lure me will fail AND that her man (me) will NEVER withhold that information, because she also knows that I would never create the environment for infidelity to exist.
She will, as I do, believe in opening doors for women, and that this is not a matter of superiority, but in serving and wanting to please. We shall hold hands because our love is an expression and touch is a physical manifestation of that love. That when I, am show and express tenderness and warmth with all that I am that I merely sharing all that I have grown to be, that this is who I am, that I am not ashamed. And Father, I believe. I do, that she exists.
Dear God, where is the chivalry or has this merely been a longing of something that is dead and gone? Where is the desire and longing of a woman for a man that holds close the older, perhaps no longer popular, desires and rigors of courting? In all of this, where has the emotional creativity and openness, the ache and longing, the true need to know a person deep down in their soul, in their heart… their spirit? What of communication, the willingness to truly listen, to hear with the heart and not just the ears? To communicate with mind, body and soul, with respect and decency, the needs and wants that we carry in each of us? Have all been so hurt, disappointed and wounded to the point that we can no longer expose and express the wonder of love in our hearts; love that You gave us? Is there any way to stand emotionally naked before her and still know her love? It seems that e seek and long for love, and yet have not defined it to the point of knowing its true worth.
Finally, she knows that she is safe with me. That her emotions matter; that she matters in every way. That her need to be a woman and her desire to be held is not a shortcoming, but a rejoicing of all things that make her a woman and me a man! If she ever finds that she needs me and I am absent, I will not say “okay, baby, I’m in a meeting, let me call you back” INSTEAD she will know that she will hear, “Okay, give me a sec to get out of here and then tell me what YOU need….”
Father, You know my heart and You know that I am a good man….
Please bless me with a woman of external and internal beauty that would walk through hell to have me. Knowing that when she had to, she wouldn’t need to….
I will accept nothing less than my dream ’cause You said that I didn’t have to…..
Your son,
C
A Page Turned…
There are those times when our dreams appear to fade before our very eyes. As it happens, it may challenge our faith and call into question the very essence of everything that we thought we knew or believed about God, happiness, peace, joy…. Love. At that moment we may be drawn into a sense that “it’s not worth it”, whatever that “it” may be. And as we do our best to somehow intellectually qualify and quantify what is before us, we may find that our hearts and minds do not align. It’s in those moments, man or woman, that our hearts may ache, that our eyes may mist and our heart cry tears that may dampen our will to live.
In those moments, who do we call to? And if anyone should answer, what are they to say? How are we to express the utter pain and despair that may enveloped us? In attempting to bridge the desire for what could have been and the moment of realization of that which appears before us that may call into question of what is truly right and wrong. And what of God? A God so loving that before we come to Him with our tears and anguish, He already knows. That before we have called out His name, His arms of love, mercy and compassion have already been opened wide to embrace us…
And yet, we may not, in our pain, turn to Him. In those moments, perhaps we may even question whether or not He truly even exists and if He does, how then, could such pain find us….
For me, a page turned when my infant son died of SIDS. And today, at this moment, after having cried, screamed, fallen and fainted, I seek to truly know. Not as our parents may have taught us. Not as the evangelists and preachers speak. Not as the theologians and historian would explain. But in a deeper, truly tangible expression of life. To see love made real, made whole in each and every day that I am blessed to be hear….
There are some challenges that you feel you'll never to recover from.