Did you, ever, really…
Warm.
Cold.
Senses.
I must grant the expression of all I have come to be. Why?
Who will hear? Who will care?
Burn. Patience. Believe. faith. Love. Care. Transcend.
My name?? Does anyone ask? Or Care? Or wonder?
Sleep. Call. Know. Believe. Long. Ache.
Tender… For a moment. I may have known.
God. Heal. Please. Please. Please….
If not….
Suffer. Pretend. Marry. Children. Whatever.
Die.
Truth.
Fade…
Hope.
After all is said…
Imagine, for just a moment, that you could have whatever in life that you really, really want. Imagine, if at all possible, that there are no limitations to having what you want in the deepest, most protected spaces of your heart and that it’s now yours. Here and now. Imagine that you could have and embrace, call your own, to keep close and yet still release and realize all that you have ever wanted. Do you see it? Do you feel it? Can you embrace that vision? Can you know, without a doubt that it belongs to you in all the ways that you have dreamed and imagined it to be?
For me, it has been a very simple want… a dream, if you will.
See me. Know me. Love me. Take all of me in your arms and embrace me for all I am and what I have become. Set aside, if only for a moment, that which you have called your want and need, to see me as I am. do not look away from my faults but rather, if only for that moment, open your arms and welcome me to a haven that has been dreamed of.
In my dreams, I can hear your laughter. In my dreams, I can see your smile. In my dreams, I know that you will weep along with me, caress me with a tenderness never known, with a love only imagined. In my dreams, you will see how truly frail I am. In my dreams, you know that I have spent a lifetime learning to keep my pains and tears to myself. In my dreams, you are the one that will risk everything you are, to know all that I am.
After all is said and done, I only want to love. After all is said and done, I only want to love, you.
After all is said, if there is no love, there is no life.
After all is said, if you love me…
After all is said, I will give my all.
Just Dreaming….
There are days when I wake, when I rise from the bed and think to myself that “today will be the day”. The frightening part of it all is that I’m not always sure what that’s supposed to be. Inside, where I thought I grew from, where I believed the inspiration for my creativity is born, I am sometimes left with the feeling that I am empty. That perhaps I have become so emotionally wounded and bankrupt that that very same creative reservoir may have finally evaporated and left me alone. All by myself.
This is the month, July, that I am reminded of the death of my son. As much as I want to proclaim that I am healed from that awareness of pain, from the very depths of that emotional torture, I at times, question just how far I have truly grown.
The fact is, I miss what could have been. I miss the potential. I miss his little hands in mine. I miss what should have been. In my heart, I know that there is nothing that I could have done. In my heart, I know that his passing was something beyond my control. In my heart, I know that he’s with God. In my heart, I ache. In my heart, I still shed tears for all of the moments that I squandered. In my heart, in the truth of who I am, I cannot talk to anyone about the very real longing to have those missed moments back.
I know that I can’t go back. Yes, I know this. I do. I really do. But tonight, at this moment, as I struggle with the idea that crying is okay, I am still left with the longing for a son that I can never apologize to for not being the best father that I could have been. Whatever anger I hold, it’s for and to a man that was caught up in his own path. A path that was inconvenienced by the needs of a little person that relied on his father.
So as I write this, with that dry, achy throat that signifies once again my ability to withhold my tears, that reminds me of just how “tough” I am, I am yet reminded of the frailty of life.
Embrace those whom you love. Take them in your arms. Smile today. Take their hand and just touch them. Just feel their gentleness. Relish the love that they so easily give you. Revel in their innocence. Look upon them today, right now and see the childhood as the blessing that it is. God, wrap them in your arms for just thirty seconds and feel them. Let them feel you. Whether mother or father, celebrate the love of life that they possess and share it. Share it with all you are.
Today, if only for a moment, cling to the reality of the love that is their every breath….
Love them today, with everything that gives you life.
Today, we have them and we’re not, just dreaming….
An Open Letter To God…
Someday, I would like to meet a woman (not many, not “other”, but one woman, just one and only one) that sees me and just knows that I am the one. She sees me and knows, without question or doubt, that no matter my financial or physical circumstances, that I am still a man that has drive and desires that do not include using her, or treating her as if she owes me something. That in return for her fidelity, I will give myself wholly and completely to first, You God and second, myself (to be a worthy Head Of Household) and at the same time as I recognize my True self in Christ, that I acknowledge that I am her one, her mate and that I submit to her out of loyalty and respect for her stature as my mate. My partner. My rib. My One, as in “one flesh”.
She will be a woman that sees her femininity and her womanhood as a tribute to God and as a means of expressing her desire and willingness to submit to the One man that she is destined and created for. That submission is a gift to to each other, and that it is cherished and adored, respected and kept sacred because that is how it should be. She knows that her husband, her man, is owned by her in all ways and that in her giving, she receives. She knows that he gives himself to and for her because he has nothing to hide. He is man of truth and integrity. That his strength is within their marriage and the blessing of God. She cooks and cleans, or sits and watches him (me) do so because she wants to, not because she has to! When her man falls, she rushes to help him UP, not talks trash and criticizes and reminds him of his faults; he already knows. She knows that when she falls, he will run, walk, jog, crawl, drive, hike, sail, fly, ride a bike to ensure that she is safe; for all she had to do was love him with kindness and tenderness.
God, I want a woman that will laugh with me, not at me. A woman that sees my pain and cares. A woman that sees me cry and thinks, “he is my mate and he hurts, what can I do to ease his pain” instead thinking me a punk or loser. And that when other men flirt and desire her, she can smile easily and with tenderness knowing that her love and mate awaits her at home. Her home. His home. Their home.
In return, she never has to wonder where I am, because I will call without her having to ask. In return, when we are apart, she can call, email whenever she wants and know that I do not place any ANY limits on her acts. She will know that I call out of respect for she and I. She will know that if I am out of town, I get a single room, leave when it’s done and come straight home. She will know that there is no sporting event ever created better than her sitting on my lap and taking possession of her man. She will know that any woman that attempts to lure me will fail AND that her man (me) will NEVER withhold that information, because she also knows that I would never create the environment for infidelity to exist.
She will, as I do, believe in opening doors for women, and that this is not a matter of superiority, but in serving and wanting to please. We shall hold hands because our love is an expression and touch is a physical manifestation of that love. That when I, am show and express tenderness and warmth with all that I am that I merely sharing all that I have grown to be, that this is who I am, that I am not ashamed. And Father, I believe. I do, that she exists.
Dear God, where is the chivalry or has this merely been a longing of something that is dead and gone? Where is the desire and longing of a woman for a man that holds close the older, perhaps no longer popular, desires and rigors of courting? In all of this, where has the emotional creativity and openness, the ache and longing, the true need to know a person deep down in their soul, in their heart… their spirit? What of communication, the willingness to truly listen, to hear with the heart and not just the ears? To communicate with mind, body and soul, with respect and decency, the needs and wants that we carry in each of us? Have all been so hurt, disappointed and wounded to the point that we can no longer expose and express the wonder of love in our hearts; love that You gave us? Is there any way to stand emotionally naked before her and still know her love? It seems that e seek and long for love, and yet have not defined it to the point of knowing its true worth.
Finally, she knows that she is safe with me. That her emotions matter; that she matters in every way. That her need to be a woman and her desire to be held is not a shortcoming, but a rejoicing of all things that make her a woman and me a man! If she ever finds that she needs me and I am absent, I will not say “okay, baby, I’m in a meeting, let me call you back” INSTEAD she will know that she will hear, “Okay, give me a sec to get out of here and then tell me what YOU need….”
Father, You know my heart and You know that I am a good man….
Please bless me with a woman of external and internal beauty that would walk through hell to have me. Knowing that when she had to, she wouldn’t need to….
I will accept nothing less than my dream ’cause You said that I didn’t have to…..
Your son,
C
Just love me…
I will be called to task. To be somber. Or sexy. Or cute. Or responsive.
But I am, me.
I am not cute. Or sexy. Or the facade of my past. I am just me.
Do we hear the voice of love when it calls? Whispers?
I am the picture painted on the canvas of my imagination. Evolving.
Where once I was the black man that is only good for a late night visit, a shell of the man that I longed to be. I have visited myself and have grown beyond those moments. That emptiness.
I was that man women marry and divorce, for I lacked the state of grace that is to love, the want and need, of those that sought to be, just and alive.
I can pretend to be someone other than who I am, but those needs, those darker moments have faded and passed.
I will still seek love…to never again deny that I want to own and be owned by, love.
I will ache, to just be loved and to love with the passion and grandeur of my Maker.
When I have, once again, held love in my arms, I shall never again let it go.
Let us just, love. For all we are worth and long to be.