Just Dreaming….

There are days when I wake, when I rise from the bed and think to myself that “today will be the day”. The frightening part of it all is that I’m not always sure what that’s supposed to be. Inside, where I thought I grew from, where I believed the inspiration for my creativity is born, I am sometimes left with the feeling that I am empty. That perhaps I have become so emotionally wounded and bankrupt that that very same creative reservoir may have finally evaporated and left me alone. All by myself.

This is the month, July, that I am reminded of the death of my son. As much as I want to proclaim that I am healed from that awareness of pain, from the very depths of that emotional torture, I at times, question just how far I have truly grown.

The fact is, I miss what could have been. I miss the potential. I miss his little hands in mine. I miss what should have been. In my heart, I know that there is nothing that I could have done. In my heart, I know that his passing was something beyond my control. In my heart, I know that he’s with God. In my heart, I ache. In my heart, I still shed tears for all of the moments that I squandered. In my heart, in the truth of who I am, I cannot talk to anyone about the very real longing to have those missed moments back.

I know that I can’t go back. Yes, I know this. I do. I really do. But tonight, at this moment, as I struggle with the idea that crying is okay, I am still left with the longing for a son that I can never apologize to for not being the best father that I could have been. Whatever anger I hold, it’s for and to a man that was caught up in his own path. A path that was inconvenienced by the needs of a little person that relied on his father.

So as I write this, with that dry, achy throat that signifies once again my ability to withhold my tears, that reminds me of just how “tough” I am, I am yet reminded of the frailty of life.

Embrace those whom you love. Take them in your arms. Smile today. Take their hand and just touch them. Just feel their gentleness. Relish the love that they so easily give you. Revel in their innocence. Look upon them today, right now and see the childhood as the blessing that it is. God, wrap them in your arms for just thirty seconds and feel them. Let them feel you. Whether mother or father, celebrate the love of life that they possess and share it. Share it with all you are.

Today, if only for a moment, cling to the reality of the love that is their every breath….

Love them today, with everything that gives you life.

Today, we have them and we’re not, just dreaming….