Without Thinking…

I looked back over my life to the moments when I thought that I was in love, to the time when I even spoke the words. I search my own heart today and reflect on the person that I was then. I realize, perhaps painfully so, that looking back on the “then” me to the “now” me, that I was truly an unpleasant person. I would use much stronger language to describe myself then, but this is a “PG” post.

I was thinking about all of this and it dawned on me that if I tried to follow the 12 step idea of making ammends, I could conceiveably spend the rest of my natural life (given 120 years) trying to find them, explain to them, apologize to them for the crap that I did then. I will however, say this, I was an ass. I just wasn’t able to see it or hear it from another.

So when one desires a woman with a wonderful heart, a gentle spirit and love to last for all eternity but is too screwed up to know how to recognize her when she is there, what is one to do? Be there no games, just a direct and honest spirit. something that I lacked, something that I didn’t even know was a part of the human experience means that I missed out on the beauty of so many people.

Patience. Kindness. Tenderness. These are the things that she offered. Those are things that I missed in her. The beauty in her that I couldn’t see. But had I known then, what I know now, I would have said that, “I will spend the rest of my life thanking you in deed and word for the love that you have given me….”

And yet, is it so hard to be honest in ones intentions, to give oneself without hidden agendas? If it is love that you seek, then let it be, or so they, those that preached the grander purposes of humnaity would have me believe. And yet if not, then thats okay too; just not for me to even know how to imagine the perfection of failure in love should be enough….

The question of the meaning of life is answered silently in a smile, in the sound of my name across those ips, in the gentleness of an unspoken touch; and in all things, I know, without a doubt, that I am loved without expectation or condition.

It is this that I yearn to know. In all ways.

Each day of my life.

Can breath truly be stolen in a single kiss? Within a gentle touch, can volumes of emotions be expressed? What is the depth of a man whos heart beckons to only one that may hear my plea….

If, in visions and dreams she dances with angels, why then can I not touch? If, as I slumber her voice calls, what then of those moments when I search?

“That which God has joined together..”

How has God dressed you this venture? From glorious moment came your birth? Alas, has your heart called? Yes, a thousand time yes. I dont want to continue, with hands empty, with armor abreast, without you another moment. But I will wait. I will wait through eternity and through and yet another still, if that promise, your kiss, shall await me thus. Find me, beloved, find me.

Let me once again kneel before and say, as only you will know; that I alone, have known no other. For this heart has, and is, yours.

Thank you for loving me.

I am Blessed. And I await your presence…

Moments to live by….